It can be hard to determine how to set and maintain clear boundaries in relationships, when/how to repair a boundary that has become too fluid or rigid, and what an appropriate boundary even looks like. This is especially true with significant others who are so close that we have trouble seeing the relationship clearly. Often, setting a boundary can feel complicated, especially when we aren’t used to setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in our close relationships. When a boundary is new, the other person might react as though they are confused, hurt, or upset.
“Wait, you aren’t going to answer the phone during an important meeting you have at work!? …in the middle of the night? …all day long when I call? But I need you!”
“What?! You are no longer going to engage with me when I use harsh, critical language and/or a loud, aggressive voice when I speak to you?”
“You’re actually saying no and meaning it/holding your ground this time?”
“You’re setting a boundary internally with yourself by not allowing my opinion to be your opinion? But I want to be the one to decide how you feel and what you do!”
It feels new. New is scary. If you feel like you don’t know how to do this, that’s ok. If you’re worried you’ll lose your loved one or change the relationship for the worse if you take care of yourself by setting/repairing and maintaining the boundaries that you choose for yourself in your life and your relationships, that’s normal. Taking the chance to improve your relationship by being true to yourself and your own needs is not mean, and you don't have to feel guilty or bad for trying something new. You deserve to feel a real, satisfying connection with the people who matter to you in your life. It’s almost impossible to truly have this if you aren’t operating from a solid sense of self, from healthy and clear boundaries.
Often getting to the things that are the most rewarding and meaningful in our lives involves taking risks. Growing requires a stretch, and stretching can be painful. Some people are more naturally “stretchy” or flexible, and if you’re one of these people, great! Go for it. If you’re naturally a little less comfortable trying new things, that’s ok, too. Everyone can become more flexible by practicing. Growing experiences are usually a little (or a lot) uncomfortable, but if we don’t grow, we can’t evolve. And, most importantly, it’s not just to feel pain. With taking risks comes the possibility and promise of rewards. A more connected, meaningful experience of our relationships, being present with another person from an authentic place (versus a place that is simply a reaction to what someone else needs), having your own needs met and allowing this to be ok (not selfish!). The overused airplane analogy is still relevant: you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can assist others.
One of my earliest supervisors said something that has stuck with me over the years: “On the other side of a healthy boundary is love." When we consider ourselves, we are showing others that we want to have a more authentic, deep, connected, real relationship with them. We are demonstrating that we trust them to flex with us so that the relationship can be better. More in tune. Less one-sided. We can teach the people we love how to be with us in a way that is more satisfying. We will feel less resentful, less frustrated, less unseen.
Here’s how it’s done.
(1) Locate your needs in your relationships. What’s missing? What is currently happening that feels like it’s too much? What would it take for you to feel better about the relationship?
(2) Figure out what changes need to be made to get closer to getting what you need. The more specific you can get, the better. Try tangible behavioral changes that can be observed versus abstract requests. Ask your significant other(s) to make these changes so that you can feel more connected to yourself. It becomes a joint project that you’re doing for both of you, a shared venture, something that connects you. Here are some examples from my clinical work with couples, but this type of request can and should also happen with parents, family members, friends, children, etc.
“We can’t have discussions when you’re very angry. I need to have a time for both of us to calm down. Let’s table this for 10/20/30 minutes and then come back to try again.”
“I need more help with the kids. I know you’re stressed out, but I feel like I’m drowning. I need an hour to myself 3 days a week so that I can be ok. Let’s put it on both of our calendars so we can make sure it happens. If you want, we can also carve out some time for you. If we can’t make this work, we need to start looking for someone to help us a few hours a week.”
“I know work is overwhelming and stressful right now, but I feel like I never see you. I need a couple of hours for us to reconnect on the weekends. Can we find a time to unplug and do something together this Saturday or Sunday?”
“Your parents can’t keep giving the kids presents every day. We are trying to raise our family to be less focused on material things and gifts. Let’s send them an email explaining this. Or would you feel more comfortable having a discussion with them? I know it’s hard because they live far away, but there are lots of ways they can love our kids without buying them toys. Let’s see if we can explain this to them and get them onboard with regular FaceTime visits.”
(3 - THE HARDEST PART). Follow through. Make a time to check in to track the changes you’ve decided on. Or, if it feels more natural, just keep an eye on things and drop a reminder when needed. This is your job as the boundary-setter. Well-meaning people often forget or don't follow through when asked to make changes. Change is hard! Appreciate that it can be a learning process for both you and the other person, and it might not go perfectly at first. But keep coming back to it. It’s not about the thing you’re asking for, it’s about having a healthier, more mutual, more satisfying relationship— for both of you! You will have more to give back when you’re feeling heard and connected.
If this seems impossible, or if you try and feel stuck, ask for help. Therapists do this for a living and can be very helpful. And supportive people in your life might also be able to give you honest, clear perspective. Don't let a problem drag on so that toxic resentment builds up. Trust yourself enough to try something new because it matters to you and to your relationship.
