Surviving is not the same as Living.

We’ve all been through periods focused on just getting through each day, putting one foot in front of the other, and experiencing our lives like a thing to endure (versus a thing to enjoy). Living like this is survival. Keeping the body and bodies we’re responsible for alive and keeping our home and work and relational systems alive. This usually looks like holding on tight— “white knuckling it”— while tolerating some degree of distress or discomfort or numbness. When you’re in survival mode, there is very little joy, inspiration, or connection. We have all been there. It’s easy to get stuck in this way of doing things. Life is hard. Relationships are hard. Parenting is hard. Work-life balance is hard. Financial security is hard. Tolerating the state of the world right now is especially hard. It’s all hard. This is what we tell ourselves when we’re surviving. It’s a story. It is one version of the truth, and our subjective experience of it is very real. And it’s still a story that we tell ourselves. When we are trudging through the mundane tasks and effortfully enduring our lives, we have lost sight of another story, which is also a version of the truth: life is a process, not a destination. It’s the process, the moments, the connections, the 5-sensory experiences that make up the fabric and meaning of a whole life. You can focus on just getting through until you eventually and inevitably die. This is a choice, and you would certainly not be alone in this world if you find yourself unintentionally and/or automatically making it.

But there is another way to do things. It takes being more deliberate and intentional in creating and co-creating your moments, slowing down, and expanding your perspective. (Sometimes it also takes a good therapist.) Living is making the choice to not merely survive. This is actually quite empowering because it’s a choice you are capable of and competent to make in your own life. It’s the act of zooming out, thinking of what you want your life to be about, dropping some of the rules and rigidity, and letting go a little bit. It’s a subtle but potentially dramatic contextual shift that doesn't require spending money, researching or reading any books, or making any tangible life changes (at least not initially). It’s just about getting clear on what you care most about, asking whether you’re living your life currently in a way that showcases what you care most about, and considering, if not, what it would take to get there.

In therapy we sometimes use some variant of the following technique to get clear:

• Imagine being at the end of your life.

• If you keep living the way you are currently living, what will you think of your life when it’s over? How will you feel about the way you lived? Would you want something to change so that you can, when you are at the end of your life, feel like you lived the way you had hoped to?

• Ask yourself what moments and experiences (recent or distant) have mattered most to you. Are you having enough of those moments right now? If not, how can you make more of them? (What about starting today? How could this happen?)

• Similarly, what moments over the past year have been the most connecting, fulfilling, joyful? When have you last felt inspired? How can you make a template to slow down and have more of this?

• What percentage of your time do you spend “white-knuckling it?” (Because this is surviving. Not living.) Are you ok with this?

Give it a try. Ask for help (personal or professional) if you get stuck. We do this for ourselves right now, our future (end-of-life) selves, for the ones we care about as well. It’s always relational because we’re all part of multiple systems (a family, a community, a neighborhood, a team, etc.). Treating our partnerships, children, friendships, and significant relationships like obligations to tolerate cheats us and them out of the experience of joy, connecting, and growth that is possible. I hear so many stories of couples going about their lives “like ships passing in the night”— effective at getting life done but not enjoying any part of it. There are so many variations on this theme:

• Parents “surviving” their children without experiencing the joy amid the intensity and struggle.

• Professionals surviving each work week and losing sight of the real reason they took the job, the excitement and learning they wanted to do, or possibly the fact that they actually need a new job!

If you can relate to any or all of the above, give it a try! Slow down, take a deep breath, and create just one moment deliberately. Drop your usual rules and rigidity. Focus on one thing that matters today for just a short time. See what happens.

Values and the Horizon

My clients and I often work on identifying, clarifying, and moving toward values. When you live a values-consistent life, you are essentially trying to live your life according to what you care most about. A valued life is the kind of life you want to be living and involves taking deliberate steps to be the kind of person you want to be. Values give our lives meaning. Working on values is a big part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which I often use with my clients.

Values are different from goals. A value can never be accomplished or “checked off the list.” A value is more like a roadmap or compass that helps to guide the choices we make and the behaviors we engage in. For instance, a goal would be “getting married,” but a value would be “being a loving partner.” A goal would be “making X amount of money” or “achieving X title at work,” whereas a value might be “continue building my ability to manage people on my team.” A goal is “lose 10 pounds,” and a value is “take care of my body by making consistent choices when I feed it.” We can never achieve our values because there is always more work to be done. Pursuing a values-consistent life is literally the work of a lifetime. For example, you wouldn’t say, “Well, I’ve been pretty loving to my partner today, so I guess I’m at the end of that road.” There are always ways to love more, deepen a relationship, connect more fully. Similarly, once you find yourself more effectively managing a team at work, you don’t suddenly decide to quit! Rather, you might take on more responsibilities and continue to build you skills to increase your impact. Regardless of the number on the scale, you can continue to make food choices that nurture and support your body as long as you are alive. Values are called a “horizon concept” because moving toward your values is like sailing to the horizon— you never arrive because there is no true destination. As a person, you can continue to evolve without ever outgrowing your values.

Values are very personal and different for each person. You get to choose your own values as you write the story of your own life. This means that your values should not take into account what other people expect you to be doing or what you feel you should be doing. To identify your values, there are lots of exercises that can be used, and this link provides some examples. Most of the exercises center on helping you answer some version of these questions:

What kind of person do you want to be?

What do you want to do in you life/with your time?

What aspects of yourself do you want to develop?

What you want to stand for?

Some categories you might use to answer these questions are listed below. Please know that this is only a rough sketch of some common areas of meaning and certainly not an exhaustive list. You can define and get specific about your values as you see fit! You might actually consider all/many of the things on this list to be important, and so the trick is to try to zero on on 3 to 5 values that are top priorities for you.

• Courage, Risk-Taking

• Creating a Balanced Life

• Creativity, Originality, Imaginativeness

• Curiosity, Searching for Knowledge

• Faith, Spirituality

• Fame, Success, Power, Influence, Professional Accomplishment, Recognition

• Hard Work and Commitment

• Health, Fitness, Physical Strength, Physical Appearance

• Honesty and Integrity

• Independence

• Openness (being receptive to new ideas or multiple perspectives)

• Personal Growth and Learning

• Rewarding and Supportive Relationships

• Self-Examination, Self-Criticism, Self-Understanding, Solitude, Contemplation

• Social Concerns

• Teaching, Mentoring, Understanding, Helping, or Serving Others

• Wealth, Material Well-Being

When we get clear about our values, we zero in on what’s important in our lives and what we are currently neglecting. We can always reset, change directions, and adjust so that we put ourselves back on the map. A big part of self-awareness is tuning into areas that need attention instead of pretending like they don't exist. This can look like making big shifts (e.g., choosing to stop drinking) or small ones (e.g., calling your grandmother to chat). You might already be living in a way that is consistent with most of your values but avoiding/ignoring others. If you are feeling particularly stuck in one area, it might be an indication that this would be an important area to explore with a therapist.

Once you identify and prioritize your values, you can start engaging in behaviors that move you closer to living a values-consistent life. These behaviors are steps on the road to being the kind of person you want to be, and we call them committed action. When you are choosing committed action regularly and often, you will probably find that you are living in a way that feels personally meaningful to you, in a way that is in line with the life you want to be living. Also, when you are connected with your values, you will be able to continue to move in directions that feel meaningful even when life gets complicated, confusing, and painful. This is one of the true satisfactions and markers of personal development in life and also in therapy— being able to maintain solid ground even when the going gets rough.

Boundaries and Love

It can be hard to determine how to set and maintain clear boundaries in relationships, when/how to repair a boundary that has become too fluid or rigid, and what an appropriate boundary even looks like. This is especially true with significant others who are so close that we have trouble seeing the relationship clearly. Often, setting a boundary can feel complicated, especially when we aren’t used to setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in our close relationships. When a boundary is new, the other person might react as though they are confused, hurt, or upset.

“Wait, you aren’t going to answer the phone during an important meeting you have at work!? …in the middle of the night? …all day long when I call? But I need you!”

“What?! You are no longer going to engage with me when I use harsh, critical language and/or a loud, aggressive voice when I speak to you?”

“You’re actually saying no and meaning it/holding your ground this time?”

“You’re setting a boundary internally with yourself by not allowing my opinion to be your opinion? But I want to be the one to decide how you feel and what you do!”

It feels new. New is scary. If you feel like you don’t know how to do this, that’s ok. If you’re worried you’ll lose your loved one or change the relationship for the worse if you take care of yourself by setting/repairing and maintaining the boundaries that you choose for yourself in your life and your relationships, that’s normal. Taking the chance to improve your relationship by being true to yourself and your own needs is not mean, and you don't have to feel guilty or bad for trying something new. You deserve to feel a real, satisfying connection with the people who matter to you in your life. It’s almost impossible to truly have this if you aren’t operating from a solid sense of self, from healthy and clear boundaries.

Often getting to the things that are the most rewarding and meaningful in our lives involves taking risks. Growing requires a stretch, and stretching can be painful. Some people are more naturally “stretchy” or flexible, and if you’re one of these people, great! Go for it. If you’re naturally a little less comfortable trying new things, that’s ok, too. Everyone can become more flexible by practicing. Growing experiences are usually a little (or a lot) uncomfortable, but if we don’t grow, we can’t evolve. And, most importantly, it’s not just to feel pain. With taking risks comes the possibility and promise of rewards. A more connected, meaningful experience of our relationships, being present with another person from an authentic place (versus a place that is simply a reaction to what someone else needs), having your own needs met and allowing this to be ok (not selfish!). The overused airplane analogy is still relevant: you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can assist others.

One of my earliest supervisors said something that has stuck with me over the years: “On the other side of a healthy boundary is love." When we consider ourselves, we are showing others that we want to have a more authentic, deep, connected, real relationship with them. We are demonstrating that we trust them to flex with us so that the relationship can be better. More in tune. Less one-sided. We can teach the people we love how to be with us in a way that is more satisfying. We will feel less resentful, less frustrated, less unseen.

Here’s how it’s done.

(1) Locate your needs in your relationships. What’s missing? What is currently happening that feels like it’s too much? What would it take for you to feel better about the relationship?

(2) Figure out what changes need to be made to get closer to getting what you need. The more specific you can get, the better. Try tangible behavioral changes that can be observed versus abstract requests. Ask your significant other(s) to make these changes so that you can feel more connected to yourself. It becomes a joint project that you’re doing for both of you, a shared venture, something that connects you. Here are some examples from my clinical work with couples, but this type of request can and should also happen with parents, family members, friends, children, etc.

“We can’t have discussions when you’re very angry. I need to have a time for both of us to calm down. Let’s table this for 10/20/30 minutes and then come back to try again.”

“I need more help with the kids. I know you’re stressed out, but I feel like I’m drowning. I need an hour to myself 3 days a week so that I can be ok. Let’s put it on both of our calendars so we can make sure it happens. If you want, we can also carve out some time for you. If we can’t make this work, we need to start looking for someone to help us a few hours a week.”

“I know work is overwhelming and stressful right now, but I feel like I never see you. I need a couple of hours for us to reconnect on the weekends. Can we find a time to unplug and do something together this Saturday or Sunday?”

“Your parents can’t keep giving the kids presents every day. We are trying to raise our family to be less focused on material things and gifts. Let’s send them an email explaining this. Or would you feel more comfortable having a discussion with them? I know it’s hard because they live far away, but there are lots of ways they can love our kids without buying them toys. Let’s see if we can explain this to them and get them onboard with regular FaceTime visits.”

(3 - THE HARDEST PART). Follow through. Make a time to check in to track the changes you’ve decided on. Or, if it feels more natural, just keep an eye on things and drop a reminder when needed. This is your job as the boundary-setter. Well-meaning people often forget or don't follow through when asked to make changes. Change is hard! Appreciate that it can be a learning process for both you and the other person, and it might not go perfectly at first. But keep coming back to it. It’s not about the thing you’re asking for, it’s about having a healthier, more mutual, more satisfying relationship— for both of you! You will have more to give back when you’re feeling heard and connected.

If this seems impossible, or if you try and feel stuck, ask for help. Therapists do this for a living and can be very helpful. And supportive people in your life might also be able to give you honest, clear perspective. Don't let a problem drag on so that toxic resentment builds up. Trust yourself enough to try something new because it matters to you and to your relationship.

Exposure is the Antidote to Shame

That universal, painful feeling of wanting to disappear, turn into sand and sink through the floorboards, vanish into thin air so as not to be seen or witnessed by others. Shame, put simply, is the feeling of being unacceptable to oneself and/or others, a consciousness of being inherently bad in some way. It is often learned early on from messages received from parents or close others. While it can be tied to having actually done something wrong, shame doesn't necessarily require being tied to any action at all. Further, shame can arise when one has done something that isn’t necessarily bad or wrong, but which is interpreted as being this way, often based on witnessing others’ reactions (ridicule, humiliation, contempt).

In its most intense and prolonged form, shame can shape a life. It can lead to addiction, toxic self-criticism, choosing punishing relationships with others, self-sabotage, and a general sense of isolation and unworthiness. Shame, a feeling, when unchecked can start to behave as a truth. It morphs from a painful feeling about being unacceptable (improper, ridiculous, disgusting, fill in your own blank) to behaving as though one is actually unacceptable, bad, unworthy.

The good news is that there is a way to move out of shame and into freedom from it. The antidote to shame is disclosure. This means taking the risk to share the “unacceptable” parts of yourself in the relational context so that you can be truly seen by another person. It’s an approach versus an avoidance. It’s the act of moving toward something scary, vulnerable, intimate and experiencing being held or at least seen by a trusted and safe other person (e.g., a partner, family member, friend, or therapist), despite being uncomfortable and afraid. Shame is like a beachball that we try to hold underwater. It’s a lot of effort to balance on top of it, and while it can be done, there’s a steep opportunity and energy cost involved. Holding shame and building your life around being someone shameful, takes incredible mental bandwidth. When you “let the beachball go,” you free up space, time, and intention to actually play in the pool. In my personal and professional experience, 9.9 times out of 10, this has a positive impact on a person and on relationships.

For more on the difference between guilt and shame, click here.