That universal, painful feeling of wanting to disappear, turn into sand and sink through the floorboards, vanish into thin air so as not to be seen or witnessed by others. Shame, put simply, is the feeling of being unacceptable to oneself and/or others, a consciousness of being inherently bad in some way. It is often learned early on from messages received from parents or close others. While it can be tied to having actually done something wrong, shame doesn't necessarily require being tied to any action at all. Further, shame can arise when one has done something that isn’t necessarily bad or wrong, but which is interpreted as being this way, often based on witnessing others’ reactions (ridicule, humiliation, contempt).
In its most intense and prolonged form, shame can shape a life. It can lead to addiction, toxic self-criticism, choosing punishing relationships with others, self-sabotage, and a general sense of isolation and unworthiness. Shame, a feeling, when unchecked can start to behave as a truth. It morphs from a painful feeling about being unacceptable (improper, ridiculous, disgusting, fill in your own blank) to behaving as though one is actually unacceptable, bad, unworthy.
The good news is that there is a way to move out of shame and into freedom from it. The antidote to shame is disclosure. This means taking the risk to share the “unacceptable” parts of yourself in the relational context so that you can be truly seen by another person. It’s an approach versus an avoidance. It’s the act of moving toward something scary, vulnerable, intimate and experiencing being held or at least seen by a trusted and safe other person (e.g., a partner, family member, friend, or therapist), despite being uncomfortable and afraid. Shame is like a beachball that we try to hold underwater. It’s a lot of effort to balance on top of it, and while it can be done, there’s a steep opportunity and energy cost involved. Holding shame and building your life around being someone shameful, takes incredible mental bandwidth. When you “let the beachball go,” you free up space, time, and intention to actually play in the pool. In my personal and professional experience, 9.9 times out of 10, this has a positive impact on a person and on relationships.
For more on the difference between guilt and shame, click here.
