My clients and I often work on identifying, clarifying, and moving toward values. When you live a values-consistent life, you are essentially trying to live your life according to what you care most about. A valued life is the kind of life you want to be living and involves taking deliberate steps to be the kind of person you want to be. Values give our lives meaning. Working on values is a big part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which I often use with my clients.
Values are different from goals. A value can never be accomplished or “checked off the list.” A value is more like a roadmap or compass that helps to guide the choices we make and the behaviors we engage in. For instance, a goal would be “getting married,” but a value would be “being a loving partner.” A goal would be “making X amount of money” or “achieving X title at work,” whereas a value might be “continue building my ability to manage people on my team.” A goal is “lose 10 pounds,” and a value is “take care of my body by making consistent choices when I feed it.” We can never achieve our values because there is always more work to be done. Pursuing a values-consistent life is literally the work of a lifetime. For example, you wouldn’t say, “Well, I’ve been pretty loving to my partner today, so I guess I’m at the end of that road.” There are always ways to love more, deepen a relationship, connect more fully. Similarly, once you find yourself more effectively managing a team at work, you don’t suddenly decide to quit! Rather, you might take on more responsibilities and continue to build you skills to increase your impact. Regardless of the number on the scale, you can continue to make food choices that nurture and support your body as long as you are alive. Values are called a “horizon concept” because moving toward your values is like sailing to the horizon— you never arrive because there is no true destination. As a person, you can continue to evolve without ever outgrowing your values.
Values are very personal and different for each person. You get to choose your own values as you write the story of your own life. This means that your values should not take into account what other people expect you to be doing or what you feel you should be doing. To identify your values, there are lots of exercises that can be used, and this link provides some examples. Most of the exercises center on helping you answer some version of these questions:
What kind of person do you want to be?
What do you want to do in you life/with your time?
What aspects of yourself do you want to develop?
What you want to stand for?
Some categories you might use to answer these questions are listed below. Please know that this is only a rough sketch of some common areas of meaning and certainly not an exhaustive list. You can define and get specific about your values as you see fit! You might actually consider all/many of the things on this list to be important, and so the trick is to try to zero on on 3 to 5 values that are top priorities for you.
Courage, Risk-Taking
Creating a Balanced Life
Creativity, Originality, Imaginativeness
Curiosity, Searching for Knowledge
Faith, Spirituality
Fame, Success, Power, Influence, Professional Accomplishment, Recognition
Hard Work and Commitment
Health, Fitness, Physical Strength, Physical Appearance
Honesty and Integrity
Independence
Openness (being receptive to new ideas or multiple perspectives)
Personal Growth and Learning
Rewarding and Supportive Relationships
Self-Examination, Self-Criticism, Self-Understanding, Solitude, Contemplation
Social Concerns
Teaching, Mentoring, Understanding, Helping, or Serving Others
Wealth, Material Well-Being
When we get clear about our values, we zero in on what’s important in our lives and what we are currently neglecting. We can always reset, change directions, and adjust so that we put ourselves back on the map. A big part of self-awareness is tuning into areas that need attention instead of pretending like they don't exist. This can look like making big shifts (e.g., choosing to stop drinking) or small ones (e.g., calling your grandmother to chat). You might already be living in a way that is consistent with most of your values but avoiding/ignoring others. If you are feeling particularly stuck in one area, it might be an indication that this would be an important area to explore with a therapist.
Once you identify and prioritize your values, you can start engaging in behaviors that move you closer to living a values-consistent life. These behaviors are steps on the road to being the kind of person you want to be, and we call them committed action. When you are choosing committed action regularly and often, you will probably find that you are living in a way that feels personally meaningful to you, in a way that is in line with the life you want to be living. Also, when you are connected with your values, you will be able to continue to move in directions that feel meaningful even when life gets complicated, confusing, and painful. This is one of the true satisfactions and markers of personal development in life and also in therapy— being able to maintain solid ground even when the going gets rough.
